What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 00:14
I write beautiful poetry .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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When she asked me how she looked .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I was very sick at this time too.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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He knew the spot.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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I said to her
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im still living with it.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She wouldn,t have been !
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She married twice! .
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Especially a lifetime of it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
This is soul school!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Would this be the day?
So whats the point in blame.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was seconnd youngest,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I waited trembling.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
What did i know ?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I think the readers, may guess!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But, we were locked up after school.
It was going to be , some day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My life is so biszare .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was 9 years of age.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I have no regrets .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I had hoped to write a book about this .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She found it foreign!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She loved him until the end.
One cannot live in the past .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I never cut or harmed myself..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We all went to grammer schools
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I could never make a relationship work though!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Who then, do I blame.?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But it wasn’t much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i do to all so called friends.?
We were not on the streets..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was scared of men, in general
I don,t even have a pension.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I will be 64.
And i lived it daily.
She was in good health!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Comes on , in middle age.
So, i spoilt her more .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Put me off passion for life!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!